How to Stop Being a People Pleaser


Comments • 842

  • The School of Life
    The School of Life  5 months ago +171

    Are you a people pleaser? Let us know in the comments below or on our app:

    • Knuckles
      Knuckles 4 hours ago +1

      The School of Life Very much.
      But it's best to be yourself, not
      someone else. Thanks for
      spreading the wisdom of life.

    • Ileana Cosanzeana
      Ileana Cosanzeana 7 days ago

      I think you got this slightly wrong (😉 see, I am one, and it is pretty hard for me finishing 3 rows without deleting half, "because I don't want to be unfair or mean toward anyone" ) That being said I am absolutely positive that even though I strongly believe you are half wrong in this, I won't hate you just because of that nor do I plan against you, 😂🤣🤣. Better yet people pleaser are usually the ones that were never loved(can you only imagine) copping by pleasing it isn't very attractive. But that doesn't make them secretly resentful of others, Often so much unsure of deserving love that they get involved with bad people. So naivety being the primary aspect,why do you think that they gather frustration and rage against the one who exploit them. Isn't that natural?(they become bitter - 🤣🤣 well yes heartbreak and decept does that to everyone, especially if because of being naive they got more of all that deceptions that a usual almost normal/socially desirable person 😉

    • Zareena Khatoon
      Zareena Khatoon 8 days ago

      Yes and it sucks when nobody can help or understand you

    • Christine Thuo
      Christine Thuo 3 months ago

      The School of Life yes and I want to get out of it ,even my friends want me out of it

    • Enthusiastic Gamer
      Enthusiastic Gamer 3 months ago

      yes i am i dealt with people who had no tolerance let alone patience to deal with someone like me who made mistakes in his life. Instead of being told it's ok i spent my teen years getting yelled at and part of my childhood i endured the same thing even the tiniest mistake i got scolded for it. I have also dealt with early trauma as a kid. I have a stepfather who not only never wanted to be bothered with me but didn't understand the struggles i was going through with my Aspergers and i was struggling far more back than in contrast to now. I please others because i know what it's like to feel worthless to feel a jealousy that others get praised while i am just another side character in life. Deep down a part of me represses so much emotion that at times instead of pleasing people i wanna grab them by the throat and slam them by a fucking wall. Tell them that if they don't stop their bullshit i'll strangle them to death.
      I fucking hate it when people scold me and get all snappy at me expecting an answer. Having dealt with this emotional abuse early on i buried my anger and bottled that mutherfucker like crazy. People need to learn that some people like me are bitter at the very world, and we try to be nice people but deep down we wonder if we have a right to exist due to how we were treated, and how i still carry the belief at times that making mistakes results in loads of scolding.

  • Knuckles
    Knuckles 4 hours ago +1

    Just being yourself is what's best.
    Thank you for spreading wisdom.

  • D Ima
    D Ima 2 days ago

    I have been criticized by my mother for 25 years and recently I cut my relationship with her. I feel better and I became someone who wants ordinary life. But then I realized I have missed so many opportunities to connect with people and I am so resentful to my mother. I don’t have job and I am feeling depressed I might kill my mother.

  • enra
    enra 2 days ago

    People Pleaser = a lot of Stress . That's my experience..

  • Tiff Star
    Tiff Star 6 days ago

    This is me in a nutshell. My mum found it very hard to deal with being challenged or disagreed with my whole childhood. Even though I'm now an adult, I still find it stressful disagreeing with people in case they blow up like she did. Its a challenge being an adult and still feeling this way, especially in the workplace where you need to assert your opinions and disagree with people sometimes!

  • Ileana Cosanzeana
    Ileana Cosanzeana 7 days ago

    until not to long ago you could easily add all the women in the people pleaser community based on the desired model.🤣🤣

  • Ileana Cosanzeana
    Ileana Cosanzeana 7 days ago

    So you are saying that this people who weren't loved by their creators, are looking for love by pleasing people and then they become resentful of the people they pleased because they were exploited?? please tell me this is not what you are saying! Huhh??

  • Malak Alguliyeva
    Malak Alguliyeva 8 days ago

    the very me that I hate

  • Laura A
    Laura A 8 days ago

    true and true.


    Thank you for the video. We all have needs and it is important to meet our own needs too y'know. We all need balance in our lives. Please ourselves and others. If we please only ourselves, we become selfish. If we please only others and neglect ourselves, we become zombies inside.

  • Abdulatif Zubaidi
    Abdulatif Zubaidi 13 days ago

    Cuts too deep.

  • Tigris Euphrates
    Tigris Euphrates 16 days ago

    Animation is off topic lol looks like that LittlePrince Book....

  • Soph Alexandria
    Soph Alexandria 19 days ago

    It drains the fuck out of my energy !!! I feel overpowered in relationships , attracting narcissists who fall in love with me for my that I'm beautiful . It's so fucking annoying . My true self is so powerful , too big for you . You would be shocked and cowardly run into the other direction

  • Jonathan Inman
    Jonathan Inman 20 days ago

    Thank you guys!!! This was awesome! I really appreciate your efforts in helping the world!

  • Yash
    Yash 22 days ago

    can you please make a video on how to sound and speak like the school of life narrator?

  • jay Garcia
    jay Garcia 27 days ago

    Thank you

  • JennyLeigh93
    JennyLeigh93 27 days ago

    Some are people pleasers in order to feel loved. And some are people pleasers in order to manipulate

  • Paul Andre Uy
    Paul Andre Uy Month ago

    Yes I am...

  • DeanRendar84
    DeanRendar84 Month ago

    I people please, to check where I stand in terms of new acquaintances. And then if I'm certain respect isn't reciprocal I make a note of it to never again. And then I'll people please one last time if its a group thing. I think a second chance, after someone's too popular ego has been given a chance to process is a final fair test.

  • The PlaSma K1ng
    The PlaSma K1ng Month ago

    Damn..this is true...I think this has been my biggest flaw for me..

  • fgdfhtrhg
    fgdfhtrhg Month ago

    Find Pilko 1:57

  • Aram Mohamadi
    Aram Mohamadi Month ago

    the best enlightenment lve ever heard.people pleasing makes you feel tired all the time and seem stupid to others.

  • sindaki l
    sindaki l Month ago

    My mom's fault again???!!!! It hurts to accuse her for everything. The difference is that she didn' t exploit me like all those people do .. That is something you didn' t mention ...that there are a lot of people who are seeking for victims and ...slaves in their lives and our kindness( which we were taught by our mother by the way...) didn't let us imagine how cruel people can be.. and we just can't say no ... Mom you made me a good person and a big liar!!!! I will try to become a bad person!!!

  • Your Drug
    Your Drug Month ago

    I'm A Person Pleaser There Is A Difference Long As We Got Each Other We Don't Need No One Else

  • Tristin Beck
    Tristin Beck Month ago


  • Shane McGuire
    Shane McGuire Month ago


  • Steven Iavarone
    Steven Iavarone Month ago

    I hate being a people pleaser!!! What kinds of personal strategies do you use to stop this?

  • William Long
    William Long Month ago

    Trying to please everyone will get you nowhere. Best to just be you.


    This hit me hard......I've been breaking out of that cycle but watching this made me self reflect

  • Forgotten Ziya
    Forgotten Ziya Month ago

    thank u for this video

  • The Hustle And Glow

    This is so me!

  • Sarah Choi
    Sarah Choi Month ago

    But how can we fix it?

  • Howchen
    Howchen Month ago

    Be pleasant, without being a people pleaser. That's a great message...
    We can be frank, without being pushy or hurting other's feelings

  • Howchen
    Howchen Month ago

    I still get really upset seeing myself causing others unhappiness

  • crow ya salty
    crow ya salty Month ago

    I was always afriad of displeasing others and always put other's need before myself even going as far as sacrificing myself for other people's wish.This constant fear of not knowing if other is please with myself slowly develop into a ocd syndrome to which I still suffer from today but than I learned I will never be happy if I just ignore my needs to help some people that will just throw you aside once they have done using you up for their pleasure so DONT DONT DONT ever put others before you if it means sacrificing and damaging yourself in the process

  • Robert Eckhardt
    Robert Eckhardt Month ago

    ,,There are two kinds of pity. One, the weak and sentimental kind, which is really no more than the heart's impatience to be rid as quickly as possible of the painful emotion aroused by the sight of another's unhappiness, that pity which is not compassion, but only an instinctive desire to fortify one's own soul agains the sufferings of another; and the other, the only one at counts, the unsentimental but creative kind, which knows what it is about and is determined to hold out, in patience and forbearance, to the very limit of its strength and even beyond."
    -Stephan Zweig

  • Lisa Hagan
    Lisa Hagan Month ago

    I don't know what to say about this video. I would like to say that I 'm protective of myself, but in a way, I have so often felt like a "fraud" when I people please for self-gain, that I was more open to hearing what was being said. I think the person who wrote this - or approved of the writing - was lazily careless. "Liar" is a fear reaction to me, and seems very much out of place for a professional psychotherapist/counselor, if that's what this person is/trying to be. This term is not only vague and offensive, but it's irresponsibly used. According to this logic - and I use that term loosely here - one could say that we're all "liars" in that we use common manners when interacting with others because that is expected of congenial people in our modern culture. Do we really mean to convey respect toward people who behave like assholes, for example? No, but we do, if he/she is our university professor or employer. Of course! Are we "lying" for behaving the way we "should" to maintain a relationship conducive to our needs? Furthermore, the "tips" presented within are grossly over simplified! "Just stop doing it!" is basically the advice. Oh thanks for that profound wisdom, dumbass, why didn't I think of that?! Now I can go about the rest of my life presenting myself just as I am and be perfectly content within. It reminds me of a superficial pop-culture magazine article I'd read in the waiting room of a doctor's office.

  • Yassi
    Yassi Month ago

    The parent thing explains a lot. This hit me real hard

    RΔDICΔL βΣΔST Month ago

    youre a genius man

  • mrcho kiez
    mrcho kiez Month ago

    It's me..

  • Lady Jane
    Lady Jane Month ago +1

    “Eat your over boiled Brussel sprouts...!”

    • Lady Jane
      Lady Jane Month ago +1

      Every night I was told... So I would eat to please parent and would vomit. Even worse outcome. So that’s how a people pleaser grew out of overboiled smelly Brussel Sprouts.

  • happy virus
    happy virus 2 months ago

    I was never a person pleaser, but I've always been a liar

  • B Tr
    B Tr 2 months ago

    As long as you work for others, you will always be a people-pleaser.
    Perhaps there is something unconsciously arrogant about it too. We assume that our verdict on something, or our appearance at a social event, has some significance for those involved; but in reality, after 5 mins they'll have completely forgotten.

  • A. L.
    A. L. 2 months ago

    Sorry to post this again here, but I originally planned to post it on this video as it fits the theme.
    "This video hit close to home. Yesterday I began to write about my past,I wrote up a page and a half. I will tell my story and what I wanted to cover here, as I deleted everything today and dont think I will continue to write it. The book was originally meant to revolve around my experience with a "bully" at school. In my high school years, I was being bullied by him, but also fell into a friendship with him. That is to say, he was a gaslighter and I think either a narcissist or a psychopath. I experienced kind of a stockholm syndrome and how I wasnt able to get out of this situation namely because I didnt see a way out, was a people pleaser, and thought I could endure it until I get out of school. In the book I wanted to write about his psyche, his methods, as I experienced them, and all from a distanced perspective, describing what I had been experiencing. Also exploring the origins why I was "accepting my role" from a psychological point and what were the results/consequences of this (I think i have "selbstunsicher-vermeidende Persönlichkeitsstörung"- in german) in a phenomenological way which means what pathological behavior or feelings I experienced as a direct or indirect consequence. But as I said, today I deleted it, I realized that in order to do it correctly I needed to write my entire backstory from a detached point of view, which is contradictory since i can only write from my point of view. I dont know if I want to do it. Who would read it ? Would self reflection help me or is scratching the wounds unhealthy ? Why am I not focusing on the important things, on studying, and let myself be influenced by pathological aspects of my past ? Thats why I deleted it. Furthermore, I dont have anything new to say. Everything that happened to me can be read on fucking wikipedia, and im not a particularly skillful writer. There is too much to say and too little fucks are to give, everybody has his problems. But one aspect which I strongly feel about is this: When people do me wrong, I dont condemn them, because I understand their suffering. Because I understand their suffering and love them, I dont want to hurt them and dont act. If you get gaslighted, you are being conditioned to fear a consequence from your actions. It is a learning process. So in that way, I am afraid, I learned to be afraid, I learned to be silent, I learned not to talk about my problems and sufferings. Iearned not to say fuck you life. That is why I wanted to write the book, in order to be free of this pathological thought pattern, in order to talk about it and share with people. Maybe its just better to let go and focus on science."

  • Lindsey Hebert
    Lindsey Hebert 2 months ago

    I dealt with it with someone who told me to like me for something in their interest like they will like me at first then a year or a half year ago they rejected for no explanation it hurts makes me think every now and then they like me a lot then not long after they make me feel like they don’t like me but I don’t know why I am too scared to leave them because they say we like you too much please don’t leave that’s how I feel

  • Eric Leslie
    Eric Leslie 2 months ago

    What do you do when the person you're with threatens to kill herself if you leave talk about guilt trip 101

  • roxyguts23
    roxyguts23 2 months ago

    i realize i am a people pleaser. i have always constrained what i wanted to say for fear that i might insult or said something negative to someone else. so i have been the quiet one. but i realized people that i tried to please by being nice and not saying much saw me as some sort of prideful arrogant bitch. it doesnt matter what you do people will dislike you and thats inevitable. might as well be yourself

  • Nguyễn Tiến Hải Dương

    I can’t thank you enough for what you have taught me, The School Of Life

  • amr adel
    amr adel 2 months ago

    Excuse me ... could I know the name of the narrator because I think he is my vocal twin !!

  • Whiff of Whiskey
    Whiff of Whiskey 2 months ago

    Watching this video was like looking at myself in the mirror. From not being able to express myself when I got in trouble by my father, to not wanting my parents to always fight and ease the tension in the house to going the extra mile at work even though it wasn’t my responsibility to do so. I would eventually blow up or build up a lot of resentment and feel horrible. I now have some kind of understanding how not to be a people pleaser at the age of 40!

  • Wallace Turnville
    Wallace Turnville 2 months ago

    I'm definitely a people pleaser. I hate myself and want to die every single day. I'm terrified of letting people down. I always find myself in awkward situations with most people I meet because I just follow along despite my reservations with whatever anyone wants. I fail at conversation because I'm always afraid I won't respond exactly in the way that will impress someone the most. I'm always in trouble socially, some how, trying to save face. Pushing people away is my special talent despite my pathological need to please them. No matter my awareness of the problem, I just can't stop this behavior. It's happens naturally and fluently. I'm depressed, anxiety ridden, suicidal, and lonely. It sucks. I wish I could stop being like this.

  • Daniel Verissimo
    Daniel Verissimo 3 months ago

    Wow! That was exacly my childhood.

  • Wafa Ibrahim
    Wafa Ibrahim 3 months ago

    But, it's too late.

  • Andi. W
    Andi. W 3 months ago

    Thank you for this. I am wanting to overcome this after all these years..

  • craigs block
    craigs block 3 months ago

    I cannot even begin to tell you the amount of really stupid blunders I have made in my past because of this and the damage it has done to my self-image as well as my reputation. I have felt spineless and weak and have been filled with both regret and resentment towards others. I'm glad I found this video and now I know there is a term for this type of behavior. Time to heal and recover.

  • burnt cookie
    burnt cookie 3 months ago +3

    Whenever i watch one of your videos, i always feel a lump forming in my throat. It hurts seeing myself in a lot of pain and distress so it feels really good when you guys address it, it really does. Please don't ever stop making videos. They are practically my lifesavers now :')

  • The Misanthrope Channel

    I don't think people pleasing is strictly lying. It can be an act of love. If there's someone in your life who you value, you naturally want to show them what they mean to you by giving them a little of what they like. It's about flexibility and compromise. If the person reciprocates your affection, they'll inevitably try to please you too.
    If you're talking about pleasing people just to fit in, that's actually about conformity and to that I'd say don't martyr yourself unless it's for *your well being as much as theirs* .

  • ludlow 889
    ludlow 889 3 months ago

    I have trained myself to become a people-pisser-offer.

  • Lydia Inghida
    Lydia Inghida 3 months ago

    i feel as if though all my life up to now i was a people pleaser just because i was always had this fear of rejection from others that if i didn't comply with their wishes and thoughts , that this person would somehow " banish" me from their mindsets as one that contradicted with them and ultimately one that could not become friends with or have meaningful conversations with that really scared me but now i am realizing that exemplifying actions of a people pleaser might have been one the reasons why people didn't want to the inaciate those relationships in the first place.

  • Ice Blue
    Ice Blue 3 months ago

    This is so me. If I did something or said something my dad doesn't like I'd be called selfish. So I would try to please my dad so he wouldn't call me selfish.

  • Ares Del Fante
    Ares Del Fante 4 months ago

    Do you know porcoddio

  • Geronimo's Silva's
    Geronimo's Silva's 4 months ago

    Give your the best and let others to judge it..lolololololo

  • Com Lag
    Com Lag 4 months ago

    This one hit REALLY close to home. Great video

  • dudu olive
    dudu olive 4 months ago

    i have realized that i have been too easy to evryone. its not like they will treat u the way u treat them

  • Alexandra Oliveira
    Alexandra Oliveira 4 months ago

    you just described myself i thought almost no one had this problem

  • Tony Williams
    Tony Williams 4 months ago

    Yes im a huge people pleaser. And it pisses me off

  • Deska Elektryczna
    Deska Elektryczna 4 months ago

    Where is "dx" in integral?

  • Dare Jones
    Dare Jones 4 months ago +1

    This is me....😐😣

  • Allana P
    Allana P 4 months ago

    portuguese please 🙏🙏🙏🙏

  • William Tavares Fardin
    William Tavares Fardin 4 months ago

    Quanto mais você se amar, menos se importará com a opinião dos outros...
    The more you love yourself, the less you care about others' opinions ...

  • Bodhi
    Bodhi 4 months ago

    your app isnt available for ipad... Also this video didn't help

  • C. Martin
    C. Martin 4 months ago

    So well said a road to freedom from social anxiety and guilt!
    Cheers; with great thanks!!

  • NoorAdin99
    NoorAdin99 4 months ago

    This is a great video but it seems that it mostly explains why a person becomes a people pleaser not how to stop pleasing people.

    OBADIAH KING ISRAEL 4 months ago

    Most of these subjects be hitting home...

  • A Wadoo
    A Wadoo 4 months ago

    I am a people pleaser

  • J Roig
    J Roig 4 months ago

    I was raised by an authoritarian father and a weak mother. During my childhood he would scream at me just for saying my opinion, sometimes he beat me up just for disobeying him. My mother's personality was very weak and my older sister had also low self-esteem. I was raised in constant fear almost until my teenage years and I also developed this "pleaser" personality. Then I struggled overcome that and since I wasn't a kid anymore didn't have that much fear, but the harm was already done. Now I am a 34 yr old guy still affraid of being myself, pessimistic, and single. I've had very few and short romantic relationships due to my shynesss and fears. After several years trying different things to overcome social anxiety I feel like I cannot undo so much harm. I'll have to live with this incomplete personality for the rest of my life. I don't even know if I'll be ever capable of having a long lasting relationship. And it really sucks.

  • blue galaxy
    blue galaxy 4 months ago

    I can say that I fall into this category, even though I try not to. I think is always about wanting to be loved and to be accepted. We can discuss about this rationally saying "people who truly loves you will stay by your side" etc... But really, when the fear of disappointing is so strong that even a comment from a stranger will haunt you forever, there's not really much you can do to stop those intrusive thoughts about "I need to please others and behave if I want to be loved".
    From my experience, trying to get out of this way of thinking, I only became more cold, anxious, and I feel horrible about myself... it's really a pain. I always say that I don't care, but I do, and in order to not feel, I get distant with people. It's tiring...

  • alya allam
    alya allam 4 months ago

    I've been in a relationship with a people pleaser it's made both of us crazy and it were a very toxic kind of relationship based on fear ,lies and hiding

  • WrBlPro
    WrBlPro 4 months ago

    Very guilty of this and it's something I've been working hard to get out of. But, I'm curious, and I apologize if this turns out to be a bit too personal. Towards the end of the video they mention having the courage to say "No." But, what if you are in an environment whenever you try to say "No" it's never accepted, and you have no way of to cut them off of your life? What if you have a view, but you're shamed for thinking that way (now, this isn't the fact that I crave to be right, mind you. It isn't important to me to be right. But I'm talking about how people react to your line of thinking)?

  • C O
    C O 4 months ago

    There's nothing with wanting to please people, so as long as they don't think it will always be successful (either from the giver or receiver).

  • Guto Garrote Hernandes
    Guto Garrote Hernandes 4 months ago

    I don't know if it's the narrator speech or the way it was recorded, but if you watch this video in 1.25X speed or 1.5X speed, the sound is very bad and it's VERY HARD to understand. And I watch almost every video in youtube in a faster speed.

  • Jacob Saiz
    Jacob Saiz 4 months ago

    i love love love these compact philosophy videos! Could you please do another one but from ancient rome??

  • Jason Lee
    Jason Lee 4 months ago

    That certainly isn't me. I'm much too lazy and selfish to give a damn about trying to please others. Especially if it meant going out of my way.

  • Venus
    Venus 4 months ago


  • Venus
    Venus 4 months ago

    I’m a people pleaser. I’m a pushover. I’ve always known it came from a dark place as well as possibly insecurity despite how I act so confident and never knew how to pinpoint it. I’m currently working on it and trying to just do me. This video actually made me realize how psychologically damaged I was but just couldn’t but a finger on it. I always thought it was perfectionism from insecurity . I have all these awards and still want more , and feel like I’m still not good enough. I feel like I can’t even talk to People if I’m not in their status or have done something to earn it. How do I get out of these chains?

  • John Rafael B. Faustino

    My takeaway is be kind for the sake of being kind. When you do good, do not expect something in return. As a former people pleaser, I always found it my priority to seek validation from other people. Not anymore. This is me, I'll be the best I can be for you, if we can't agree, then let's move forward. :)

  • FleshOdium Illustration

    I needed this video. I work in a job that puts my people pleasing to the test and it's honestly pushed me to my last bits of sanity a few times.
    I also think this is common for a lot of artists to have this mentality too. I could be a little biased though. 🤔🤔

  • Lala Land
    Lala Land 4 months ago

    ME, BITCH!

  • Endy M
    Endy M 4 months ago


  • Bayu Adam
    Bayu Adam 4 months ago

    How to leave someone and ensure them of how much relationship meant to us?

  • winged dreams
    winged dreams 4 months ago

    Not everything begins with a bad childhood there are many factors that happen outside of the home that can be so severe that they change outgoing people into introverts

  • gigistekno
    gigistekno 4 months ago +1

    Human beings are very dangerous animals

  • Rusty Wallace
    Rusty Wallace 5 months ago

    Start stabbing people when ever possible.

  • somnyad
    somnyad 5 months ago

    Must have followed me around candid camera, day and night for years beginning 40 years ago...

  • Biopsychosocial
    Biopsychosocial 5 months ago

    Hello, my name is smiley and I'm a former people pleaser. Now I'm cured.
    It's been 3 years since I last gave a fuck.

  • Blaž B
    Blaž B 5 months ago

    I find myself in this so clearly. The "father portrait" matches perfectly, and despite knowing all this, it's really hard to change the behavior. Makes me question the path i chose in life, and the constant struggle of "finding myself", recognizing my genuine wants and needs, not the expected version of those.

  • seth travis
    seth travis 5 months ago

    This hit me deep. It's me😢

  • Firstname Lastname
    Firstname Lastname 5 months ago

    Parents are a bish

  • missvalkyrie
    missvalkyrie 5 months ago

    setting up high expectations of people is very ridiculous. we shoudlnt set high expectations because its very unrealistic and only might cause disappointment

  • Snow Den
    Snow Den 5 months ago

    A big I AM A PEOPLE PLEASER or was, cuz everything i got from this behaviour is being abused by others, i came to this state by a wife with some critical health issues, so i have to tolerate her to always, and this is what like printed this behaviour into me. But i can say that i have learned how to treat her and be hard on her when its time with intelligence. The title was so like the old me and thats why i pressed it in the first time. Also i have confirmed some of my ideas. So thank you so much for your amazing advices.