How changing your story can change your life | Lori Gottlieb

  • Published on Nov 22, 2019
  • Visit to get our entire library of TED Talks, transcripts, translations, personalized Talk recommendations and more.
    Stories help you make sense of your life -- but when these narratives are incomplete or misleading, they can keep you stuck instead of providing clarity. In an actionable talk, psychotherapist and advice columnist Lori Gottlieb shows how to break free from the stories you've been telling yourself by becoming your own editor and rewriting your narrative from a different point of view.
    Get TED Talks recommended just for you! Learn more at
    The TED Talks channel features the best talks and performances from the TED Conference, where the world's leading thinkers and doers give the talk of their lives in 18 minutes (or less). Look for talks on Technology, Entertainment and Design -- plus science, business, global issues, the arts and more. You're welcome to link to or embed these videos, forward them to others and share these ideas with people you know. For more information on using TED for commercial purposes (e.g. employee learning, in a film or online course), submit a Media Request here:
    Follow TED on Twitter: TEDTalks
    Like TED on Facebook: TED
    Subscribe to our channel:

Comments • 362

  • mike thais
    mike thais Day ago

    "story"? Upon reading of title-header., Best to better action behaved direction only going onward...forward to do telling of "story" thereafter.

  • 影响力
    影响力 Day ago


  • I AM Blessing
    I AM Blessing Day ago

    I just wanna know, will that masterpiece story of our life come true if we right ?? Dear therapist, I m waiting for ur answer .Thank you☺

  • Brandon Grimaldi
    Brandon Grimaldi 2 days ago

    This is life changing !!!! Amazing!

  • Magdalena Luchter
    Magdalena Luchter 3 days ago

    Great :)

    TRUDY PENTON 4 days ago

    Al-anon helped me reshape my narrative....primarily for me (not for all) it taught me to examine my own knee-jerk reactions first

  • Jens Kuppe
    Jens Kuppe 5 days ago +2

    Whats the Name of the „behind the bar“ Art?

  • jackieblue04
    jackieblue04 5 days ago

    That could help a lot of people -with a certain amount of privileges.

  • Lina Lora
    Lina Lora 6 days ago


  • MauiGirl 888
    MauiGirl 888 6 days ago

    Great Ted Talks!!!!! I’m a therapist in private practice and I will definitely being using this amazing tool. On self and in my practice, wow. Feel like life sent me a cheerleader, I edited my thinking here! Good stuff.

  • PilotVBall
    PilotVBall 6 days ago +1

    Speaks a lot. Says very little. Too much talking. All of this could have been covered in 3 minutes.

  • Marangelli Ramos
    Marangelli Ramos 6 days ago

    Excellent!!! ♥️

  • rulenumber1
    rulenumber1 6 days ago

    amazing ted talk :)

  • C. Greystone
    C. Greystone 7 days ago

    This is substance! Thank you Dr Gottlieb.

  • Aurelia
    Aurelia 7 days ago

    Wow! Incredible TED talk! "What do I want my story to be?"

  • Dzifa Sepenoo
    Dzifa Sepenoo 7 days ago

    Very well spoken. Well done

  • Kacie Freitag
    Kacie Freitag 7 days ago

    So good.

  • Svetlana Koshkareva
    Svetlana Koshkareva 8 days ago

    Amazing message to the future.

  • potato lala
    potato lala 8 days ago +12

    ok she's convinced me to see a therapist now

    • JahinIinI
      JahinIinI 4 days ago +1

      potato lala sounds great! I support that thought. Just wanted to share that the vast majority of therapists aren’t going to be a sufficient fit. The average person goes through 5 therapists before finding the right one. The wrong therapist can make things worse. Keep searching until you find the right fit.

  • Olen Paras
    Olen Paras 8 days ago +2

    4:00-4:30 OH, I JUST LOVER HER!!! - She's telling strangers she's an Editor, when she's really a Therapist WHEN THE REAL STORY IS SHE'S A FANTASTIC COMDIAN!💕🙌💕 LOL LIKE!!! 6:56-6:58 👑😁 9:53-9:59😉

  • Song Heng khowlege
    Song Heng khowlege 8 days ago

    Hello English

  • new studio 3 bali
    new studio 3 bali 8 days ago

    well, at least i know my beloved one and everyone is happy :) , thats the story

  • TheSea13
    TheSea13 8 days ago

    I love this talk!! ❤️👏🏽 one of my favorites. So eye opening.

  • Mayank A
    Mayank A 9 days ago +9

    Such an amazing talk. She has shared lot of amazing points. I wish most of talks were of this calibre.

  • Amal Mohamed Noor
    Amal Mohamed Noor 9 days ago +1

    That was really good. Islam taught me the same thing, focus on your own personal development and be so fair even if its against your own interest because eventually you will die and stand before your creator and have to answer why you acted the way you did in this life. God bless

  • Knowledge Plus
    Knowledge Plus 9 days ago

    True. This subject matches mine

  • DasSöldner
    DasSöldner 9 days ago

    so much wonderful information.. Im trying to catch up..

  • Milamella
    Milamella 9 days ago

    Those letters make me so angry, why they don't talk TO the people they talk ABOUT.. it's 90% the real problem and quite easily solved :D

  • pk eggle
    pk eggle 9 days ago


  • Yuka T
    Yuka T 9 days ago

    Because of the language barriers, there are certain parts that i couldn't understand clearly which is a shame. But I want to go through it for a few more times. Hope I can get it right and get out of my recent problems.

  • Greg's Masochistic Comment Factory

    Dear Therapist, it's hard to relinquish the role of Help Rejecting Complainer. Finding the courage to silence the voice in your head that's determined to tell one story is a step toward nakedness & looking down in the shower is humbling. But thank you.

  • Marcy Murray
    Marcy Murray 10 days ago +4

    THANK YOU. I have truly changed and my life is altogether changed and I’ve been freaking out! It is hard to celebrate living in/on a blank slate, all “stories” gone, done. You are correct, it’s been very much about having and gaining relationship with personal responsibility. There is one level of responsibility I’ve been really scared of though, it’s a higher level - creativity. The responsibility of creating one’s life. I hope I can be brave enough, after all the changes I’ve been brave enough to make, to create the life story my own heart wishes to tell. Thanks for the lecture.❤️

  • Mr Mike
    Mr Mike 10 days ago

    Excellent. We should teach this to children and reinforce it into adulthood. I suspect the difficult part are the extremes who never see anything positive and those wearing rose colored glasses. I suspect it best not to only think or tell our true story, but live it and ignore the naysayers.

  • Rohit AryaL
    Rohit AryaL 10 days ago

    So true and what she said was in my heart

  • n0___n0
    n0___n0 10 days ago

    Yes, Lori!!!!! 💖

  • Lord Victor Halgaard
    Lord Victor Halgaard 11 days ago

    And this is why people are untrustworthy and cruel to people with autism and/or lack of empathy: people tend to be lying and manipulative, and they aren't even aware of it, and if they are, they presume everyone else is the same. People are so controlled by emotions and peer-pressure. Base their understanding on assumptions. Most people are incapable of being objective. Its disturbing and irrational to me.
    Though the one thing that's even worse, is a therapist that make these assumptions.

  • emma thérèse
    emma thérèse 11 days ago +50

    "if you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop digging."

  • Milena Tasic
    Milena Tasic 11 days ago +3

    I'm interested in knowing how to deliver these passionate truth bombs !! love the video

  • Miranda Houchins
    Miranda Houchins 11 days ago

    Hi Lori. Thank you for this inspiring talk. I am reading your book now and loving it...the therapist me is taking notes..the soul inside is savoring each chapter,each story...the Lit major in me has the sinking feeling I get when I realize I am coming to the end in a short while. Guess I will have to read the ‘Dear Therapist’ column to get more doses of your wit and sublime wisdom. So happy I found your work.

  • Steve C
    Steve C 11 days ago +6

    As a lifelong sufferer of PTSD from an early childhood event...I just paused at 7:33 (with tears) because casting off old misperceptions of rejection is like another rejection in and of itself. I have indeed been editing my story for several years now. I know what I want my story to be. You have just given me a window into a future that I can actually get to. No. More like an open door. Thanks.

  • Renzo X
    Renzo X 11 days ago +1

    To make it short: somebody who doesn't have a clue about human behaviour wants to explain how to resolve problems with your life.

  • Namrata Collins
    Namrata Collins 11 days ago


  • Dewangi Kothari
    Dewangi Kothari 11 days ago

    Loved this Ted Talk

  • carissa tan
    carissa tan 11 days ago

    What an inspiring message from such a charismatic speaker. I am very curious as to how she and so many of these TEDtalk speakers remember their speech though! A 16 minute speech must translate to at least 8 pages of text

  • Sags K
    Sags K 12 days ago

    just wow!

  • Elena Komleva
    Elena Komleva 12 days ago +2

    So if a woman is physically or emotionally abused, it is "just her perspective" and in reality, the husband has quite a sensible reason to beat her if only you listen to his perspective instead?

    • Hannah Belknap
      Hannah Belknap 9 days ago +1

      Her point is don’t let yourself be stuck in a situation. She’s not saying it’s okay to do bad things, just that you have control over the outcome and have the ability to write your next chapter the way you want.

  • Carolina Ramirez Alvarez
    Carolina Ramirez Alvarez 12 days ago +5

    Wise woman! This is the best TED Talk I've listened! Clear and precise. Thank u so much.

  • Laurie Janes
    Laurie Janes 12 days ago

    This approach reminds me of the work of Byron Katie.

  • Andrew Bonnah
    Andrew Bonnah 12 days ago +7

    Dude she went HARD with that Gynecologist joke LMAO

  • David Mueller
    David Mueller 12 days ago +2

    People always say they want change. Change is scary and difficutl. Friends will tell you not to change. The rewards of a positive change are worth it. The rewards of a negative change are not.

  • AngeLife
    AngeLife 13 days ago

    Shades of est

  • The Mellow Lyfe
    The Mellow Lyfe 13 days ago +1

    When it comes to creating a better life, I agree that we should begin with freedom and change.

  • outsiders
    outsiders 13 days ago +5

    She's got the longest legs to torso ratio i've ever seen!!!!!

  • Eline Eugenie
    Eline Eugenie 14 days ago

    Sometimes Yt does me right❤️

  • Rajesh Upadhyay
    Rajesh Upadhyay 14 days ago

    I have not sexed any female since 2011........till today 29/11(november)2019 Friday
    But who knows ?????
    Whats cooking into brain now ???????
    I can do magics in life suddenly ?????

    • Dahl'n Salvs
      Dahl'n Salvs 12 days ago

      have you tried to have src with any males ? 😅

  • Ylliaster Games
    Ylliaster Games 14 days ago

    Well, you could start by referring to your therapist by a name, rather than job title...

  • Bella Nova
    Bella Nova 14 days ago +5

    I *wish* I was changing the narrative in my mind with regards to my relationship. Unfortunately, broken bones and bruises are pretty hard evidence that the abuse isn't just in my head.

    • Bella Nova
      Bella Nova 7 days ago

      @rosieos Thank you- sending love and peace to you as well! You've given the most valuable gift of all- hope

    • rosieos
      rosieos 7 days ago

      Bella Nova I really hope you got out. Love and peace to you.

    • Bella Nova
      Bella Nova 7 days ago +1

      @rosieos I agree. I had to get a lot of things organized to be able to safely get out.

    • Bella Nova
      Bella Nova 7 days ago

      @Arif Masood You're right; trees are rooted, whereas I'm stalked.

    • rosieos
      rosieos 8 days ago +2

      You can leave. I did and life is soooo much better on the other side. I’m not saying it’s all rainbows, but it is better. Don’t make excuses.

  • Karen Rose
    Karen Rose 14 days ago

    That was excellent!

  • L Battiest
    L Battiest 14 days ago

    She didnt say that she got the email writers permission to air their personal problems in public. You could say it is semi-anonymous because she didn't assign the name but how would you feel if your private email was broadcast? Or maybe she did get permission and didnt mention it. I wouldn't write anything to her, lol. Who gets effective therapy by email anyway??

    • Steve Biko
      Steve Biko 12 days ago

      @L Battiest Why not watch the video and then comment! She says she drafted the letters that she read out

    • L Battiest
      L Battiest 14 days ago

      How's this?:
      Dear Lori, I have been emailing a therapist, and she often uses my private, personal problems to use on the TED circuit to make money and advertise her services. I get nothing in return, not even advice other than to rewrite my story. I tried that, rewrote it as ME talking on the TED circuit about a self important "email" therapist with no boundaries, but the only result is, I've been threatened with a lawsuit! How is that better?
      Yours truly, Sorta Anonymous