How changing your story can change your life | Lori Gottlieb

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    Stories help you make sense of your life -- but when these narratives are incomplete or misleading, they can keep you stuck instead of providing clarity. In an actionable talk, psychotherapist and advice columnist Lori Gottlieb shows how to break free from the stories you've been telling yourself by becoming your own editor and rewriting your narrative from a different point of view.
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Comments • 80

  • Victoria Perkovic
    Victoria Perkovic 2 days ago

    Japan using huawei phone..

  • Валерия Веселова

    Отличная лекция и блестящий перевод. Благодарю всех за профессионализм!

  • Валерия Веселова

    Thank you,Lory! It*s a masterpiece from a good-looking Lady.

  • Josefina Ortega
    Josefina Ortega 7 days ago

    Fantastic TED Talk, Congrats! I'm on the blank page stage already :)

  • Neel
    Neel 20 days ago

  • 민하솔
    민하솔 25 days ago +1


  • M
    M 26 days ago

    This is beautiful, especially the ending

  • Cindy Zhu
    Cindy Zhu Month ago +1

    Lori wrote a book, “maybe you should talk to someone,” really nice book! Go read it

  • JB. Live Positively -Compass-

    My Take: If people would have honest open communication including with their inner thoughts/wants/desires and other individuals, it would be easier to navigate the story.
    The compassionate truth boom seems to be something most are not wanting/willing to hear.

  • Rambinod Ghimire
    Rambinod Ghimire Month ago

    yeah it really does

  • Yohan Imtihan
    Yohan Imtihan Month ago

    what is your aim? what is your story to be? so, get your masterpiece.

  • iphoneusdsd
    iphoneusdsd Month ago

    Im too dumb to get her message..

  • James Dong
    James Dong Month ago

    Thank you Lori, this video is planned to be just a listening practice. However It changed the way I think and act with my father, who betrayed my mom. I talk to him and understand him more, even we can not be the same as before but it's a good start. Thanks a lot !!!

  • Coach Kathi The Fit Spirit

    Very well spoken! Thank you for the perspective.

  • AL A
    AL A Month ago

    She is basically saying have a positive mindset

  • 254JROCK
    254JROCK Month ago

    Narrative therapy. Lol 😂 Lmft Masters in marriage & family, lic Theripist $85k. Student 👩‍🎓 debt Yrly salery 42k. Fml. 😞

  • Virtual Media
    Virtual Media Month ago

    There's always three sides to a story. My side, your side and the truth somewhere in the middle.
    I read advice articles realizing the stories are one-sided and the given advice is of limited value considering they don't know the whole story.
    And wonder how many relationships were destroyed by someone literally taking this advice.
    I'm sure it's often well intended however there should be a disclaimer stating professional counseling should be sought before making any life-changing decisions.

  • 16thJune2006
    16thJune2006 Month ago +1

    This is my favourite TED talk by far, and I’ve seen some very good ones. It’s my favourite because it resonates so deeply! I “co-sign my own BS”!.. I buy into the garbage I tell myself about myself and my life... I can see the etymology, how early trauma (0-2 years, then 2-4 years) influenced this... it’s now my responsibility to “write my masterpiece”...
    Out of the mud grows the lotus flower...
    Thank you Lori Gottlieb!
    I’d like to recommend something:- the grief ceremonies described in The Wild Edge of Sorrow... so healing and beautiful, spiritual.

  • golderp
    golderp Month ago

    What a very useful ted talk

  • Katie Wright
    Katie Wright Month ago

    I couldn't love this more!

  • Apple Guy
    Apple Guy Month ago

    change is based on what i have now. what she is suggesting and will make a difference in your life is transformation. a completely new take on life. and almost always comes from without. ie from outside your own experience. hence the importance of not working it out for yourself. you need an alternative (outside) perspective to pop the bubble of bs you are trapped in.

  • Hanan Bahy
    Hanan Bahy Month ago +2

    "The next time you're struggling with something. Remember that we're all going to die .And then pull out your editing tools and ask yourself : what do i want my story to be ? And then go write your masterpiece . " Lori Gottlieb

  • Jessie Hsu
    Jessie Hsu Month ago

    Fabulous! I found myself editing my own story just the other day. Thank you!

  • StarS
    StarS Month ago

    Doctor patient confidentiality mean something to you lady?

    • Patricia Offer
      Patricia Offer Month ago

      Well it's gratuitous to call her "lady" like this.
      As long as she omits identifying information, it's ethical and legal.
      That said, I found her to be two-faced and overly disdainful, like in "idiot compassion" for one example.
      Does she think her patients don't watch TED talks...?

  • Renee CA
    Renee CA Month ago +1

    So good! Proverbs 23:7 "For as a man thinks in his heart, so is he"

  • Stephen Atkinson
    Stephen Atkinson Month ago

    She has the means to break the Story line( sequels) for her next generations by leading by example. If the husband is cheating on her, as a repeat offender by the way. She should break it off with him. She would then teach her children that that sort of behaviour is Not okay. He is not just cheating her but his children also. If she wants to change the story she should be strong and teach them all some much needed lessons. A wise man saves for his children's children.

  • Ri
    Ri Month ago

    Thats definitelly my parents.

  • Lokesh Avlasia
    Lokesh Avlasia 2 months ago +1

    Am I the only one who set playback speed to 0.74 to understand it properly

  • Mj
    Mj 2 months ago +1

    one question? Will you be my therapist?:) In all seriousness, great TT! Thank you.

  • Will Wen
    Will Wen 2 months ago

    the best seedling in the world can't grow if planted in a pot with the wrong soil

  • 정민영
    정민영 2 months ago

    I love TED :)

  • Kyle Ashwood
    Kyle Ashwood 2 months ago +1

    This is truly worth a long listen... Replay it a few times. This is power.

  • Jonas Lönartz
    Jonas Lönartz 2 months ago

    One of my favourite TED talks up to date. It made me think about some behavioural patterns of people around me and of myself in a new way. I hope it will help me understand some stuff better in the future. Thank you for that! Definetely gonna share this.

  • Katie Rae
    Katie Rae 2 months ago

    This lady I horrible

  • Uyen Nguyen
    Uyen Nguyen 2 months ago

    New words: devastated, misleading, clarity

  • Giải mã Official
    Giải mã Official 2 months ago

  • Juli Brown
    Juli Brown 2 months ago

    Great talk Ted

  • Diep Phuong Quynh Kieu
    Diep Phuong Quynh Kieu 2 months ago +1

    Thanks,this video is very fantastic !

  • Mark Mulakush
    Mark Mulakush 2 months ago

    Enthusiastically delivered drivel.

  • Panya Rerksakunchai
    Panya Rerksakunchai 2 months ago

    Pleas look it doing id mac wifi ? Need me thought

  • margaby2001
    margaby2001 2 months ago

    I love TED Talks but you lost me when you made up the spouse’s letter and then said there were real examples. Could you have used a real example? For me, this little detail turned out to be a huge turn off. I was listening attentively and eagerly waiting for the talk to be over to share it.
    This TED Talk has no credibility as there’s no real verifiable story.
    I know, I’m having a breakdown over this. Lol, I need help.

  • Richard Greensmith
    Richard Greensmith 2 months ago

    Amazing 👏

  • David Andrews
    David Andrews 2 months ago +1

    She sounds very Kellian.
    This, if true, would be a good thing.

  • khoianh hoang
    khoianh hoang 2 months ago +1

    The therapist in the video SAYS things that make sense to me

  • Nwaoha Success
    Nwaoha Success 2 months ago

    Great inspiration
    For insight on a better world agenda check out this

  • Tuzy James
    Tuzy James 2 months ago

    Nice one

  • chinaenye obicheta
    chinaenye obicheta 2 months ago +1

    Wow, interesting topic, follow this link to get more insights on the subject

  • chinaenye obicheta
    chinaenye obicheta 2 months ago +1

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  • Gboto Baridilo
    Gboto Baridilo 2 months ago

    Creativity is not something you have but is something you do. Thank you sir.
    Check out this.

  • c s72
    c s72 2 months ago

    Great video, and helpful. Thank you!

  • Jonny Hockings
    Jonny Hockings 2 months ago


  • tsai chieh
    tsai chieh 2 months ago

    I totally agree with the point in this speech.
    In the past, I have familiar experience as the letter of that wife.
    I ever hurt my friend because of my misunderstanding and my bad mood.
    I thought my friend betrayed me and so I hurt her for revenge.
    However, I found that I misunderstood her.
    At that time I just learned the story by my poor knowledge and so I made the wrong judgement. I felt very regret with it and so sorry for her.
    After that experience, I learned how importance the ultracrepidarianism is.
    I should not be irritable at the time the thing occur. Instead, I should stop and calm down to think and watch more. Maybe the whole story is different than what I think. By the changing, I not only start to be more considerate but also not to be so irritable as before.

  • Benjie Dalena
    Benjie Dalena 2 months ago

    This talk definitely changed my life. Thank you so much! Keep appreciating LIFE.

  • Nilanjana Hazra
    Nilanjana Hazra 2 months ago

    I absolutely love this talk ❤️

  • 1Peter3:7 LEE
    1Peter3:7 LEE 3 months ago


  • Tuan Ngoc
    Tuan Ngoc 3 months ago +3

    One of the most useful stories I've ever listened to in Ted Talk, it helps me deal with myself.

  • QzSG
    QzSG 3 months ago +3

    Her books are amazing too!

  • dwyerb
    dwyerb 3 months ago +2

    FYI when someone's depressed they are acutely aware of their mortality; they either feel dead already, want to kill themselves, or just do not care to be here, because nothing has any meaning, nothing matters, and there is no purpose for anything, including perspectives on one's own life. So the idea of rewriting their own story also has no purpose. Their obit makes no difference to the world because whether people think you were utterly pathetic or the strongest, most resilient person to walk the face of earth is of absolutely no consequence.

  • THE V I L L E
    THE V I L L E 3 months ago +2

    "If the Queen had balls she'd be King"

  • Evie Elliot Gerzio
    Evie Elliot Gerzio 3 months ago

    Is it unreliable to say that I was abused? Should I change my story? Oh, no, I wasn't abused, I probably deserved it. No. I didn't. I'm not changing my story, because I had to work for many years to accept that no matter what I did, this sociopath would have found a way to abuse me. I'm not playing the victim, I was the victim, and now I'm a survivor. Changing my story to me never being abused, doesn't help the fact that I was. This doesn't work for everything.

  • faheem ahmad vlogs
    faheem ahmad vlogs 3 months ago

    she knows better english

  • Average Joe
    Average Joe 3 months ago

    Air quotes need to stop. They're just fucking annoying and unnecessary regardless the context.
    I began changing my own story more than a decade ago...and it didn't require the insight of a therapist. It's entirely possible to do it if you're willing to quit bullshitting yourself. We are our own worst enemies. And we are definitely the biggest liars we know....even if most of the lies are directed inward. One of the most difficult things you'll ever do is to quit lying to yourself...and it isn't a one-time deal. Just as with smoking, drinking, drug addiction, overeating, etc...stopping the lies and being truthful to yourself requires diligence. And it's up to you to make it a habit.
    It is incredibly fucking difficult to get others on board with this idea no matter how successfully you've done it on your own. I have found the most effective way isn't the "truth bomb" approach Lori suggests. No matter how compassionate you might be, truths will not be well received by those unprepared or unwilling to receive them. Instead, I tell stories about my journey. Friends and family have seen the positive changes in my life. They've commented on the changes. And they've asked how I managed to change and shared stories about their failure to change. Rather than dissect their stories, I've shared mine. I provide frank insight into the holes I had dug and how I deeply I had dug them. I explain how it made me feel...the struggles and denial and inward lies. And I share how I committed myself to change every day since. I give them the tools they need to shine a light on their own come to the same conclusions that I had more than a decade ago. And it's up to them to take it from there.
    Most claim they want to change....but they continue to bullshit repeat the same narratives because they fear change and the unfamiliar. I've accepted that there's only so much I can do to help them if they're unwilling to ever take the first few steps.

  • Na- L
    Na- L 3 months ago +1

    I want to learn the English language and I cannot find someone to speak it with me, and all that occurred to me is that I am writing a comment. I ask someone to help me to speak with me in English. Is anyone volunteering and speaking to me for information? I am a university student and I wrote this comment in Arabic and translated it in English🥺 this is my snap « qtar444 «

    • Adam
      Adam 3 months ago

      Na- L respond in English 🤓

  • Danmeng ma
    Danmeng ma 3 months ago +42

    My parents got divorced when I was in my middle school. The letters in the talk sound so familiar that when I was little, my dad and mom would tell me totally different versions of the same story, and their words confused me for many years. When I grow up, I realized that it's not about right or wrong. It's just people can only understand the world from their own perspectives, which are usually narrow. And my solution is to honestly express yourself to others, exchange your feelings, your views, or your emotions with your partner, so you can understand each other better. It is so important and useful. Hope everyone can live a happy life instead of being trapped like my parents many years ago

  • T Hill
    T Hill 3 months ago

    Great job, Lori! Very well done!

    FRANK JAAVA 3 months ago

    What a bad talk! I can't believe this woman presented this self-help piece at TED.

  • Laurence Monnom
    Laurence Monnom 3 months ago

    Une belle théorie de plus, mais concrètement ?

  • Souvik Das
    Souvik Das 3 months ago +1

    An Amazing Perspective especially the Prison Bar Analogy

  • ThatPunkBrent
    ThatPunkBrent 3 months ago +3

    This was really good. I really enjoyed it.

  • j Akratham
    j Akratham 3 months ago

    Totally agreed with that

  • j Akratham
    j Akratham 3 months ago

    Damn I just got therapy from her

  • Mohammed Asgar
    Mohammed Asgar 3 months ago +1

    I'm desperate to learn english kindly support me

  • Jamie Lu
    Jamie Lu 3 months ago +13

    I love love love this ted talk. She speaks with such confidence I wonder how long it took her to memorize this speech!

    • JRTG
      JRTG 3 months ago +1

      Mnemonic cues might have helped

  • mike thais
    mike thais 3 months ago

    "story"? Upon reading of title-header., Best to better action behaved direction only going onward...forward to do telling of "story" thereafter.

  • 影响力
    影响力 3 months ago


  • I AM Blessing
    I AM Blessing 3 months ago

    I just wanna know, will that masterpiece story of our life come true if we right ?? Dear therapist, I m waiting for ur answer .Thank you☺

  • Brandon Grimaldi
    Brandon Grimaldi 3 months ago

    This is life changing !!!! Amazing!

  • Magdalena Luchter
    Magdalena Luchter 3 months ago

    Great :)

    TRUDY PENTON 3 months ago

    Al-anon helped me reshape my narrative....primarily for me (not for all) it taught me to examine my own knee-jerk reactions first

  • Jens Kuppe
    Jens Kuppe 3 months ago +2

    Whats the Name of the „behind the bar“ Art?