Why The Plot Of Starcraft Is Insane - Escort Mission

  • Published on Feb 19, 2016
    What do you do with your most advance space ship in history? Fill it with cybernetically-enhanced criminals and blast it into deep space, of course.
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  • ComedyComedy

Comments • 674

  • K Quilor
    K Quilor Month ago

    All this video proves is that any good, complex and coherent narrative can be turned into the most nonsensical and incoherent description by two idiots who don't know what they're talking about.

  • The Man With A Million Names

    COME BACK. Why did you leave me, Cracked's Good? December 2017 was my September 2001

  • Zahi Abu Ramadan
    Zahi Abu Ramadan 3 months ago

    L33t is so hot

  • Edward Vaughn
    Edward Vaughn 6 months ago

    Much as I still love playing SC (Earth guys), this was amusing.

  • Mousek801
    Mousek801 10 months ago

    Warning: Comment section is full of lore-nerds with hate-boners.

  • Jason Italiano
    Jason Italiano 10 months ago

    Space American penal colony

  • Morris Crow
    Morris Crow 11 months ago

    You done fucked up that starcraft lore... Dislike...

  • Morris Crow
    Morris Crow 11 months ago

    They aint clones they are criminals

  • The Sparkle Zone
    The Sparkle Zone Year ago

    It's like they don't even know what star craft is.

  • T Chase
    T Chase Year ago

    How can someone be "too aggressive for a suicide mission?" Your words, they make no sense... #whatthewhat
    Oh, and our prison population is totally the new slavery, thanks to for-profit prisons, corrupt judges, & the school-to-prison pipeline. Since you asked.

  • Adrian Garcia
    Adrian Garcia Year ago

    Noooo, I expected to much. Oh and fuck you for firing all the important people!

  • granudisimo
    granudisimo Year ago

    Looking at so many weird looking faces at Starcraft´s cinematic cutscenes where Terrans are involved:
    Not sure if 90´s graphics or inbreeding.

  • Noah Bach
    Noah Bach Year ago +1

    Finds a Escort Mission you haven't watched.
    Ohhhhhhh Yeahhhhhhh

  • captainautobots
    captainautobots Year ago

    This is all well and good, but what's going on with Terrance?

  • Bleflar
    Bleflar Year ago

    Wait, let me guess. The comments are filled with butthurt Warhammer 40k fans?

  • Chickknight Greenleaf

    wait if the Terran is just a state founded by criminal then what happened to Earth?

  • Zack Knutsen
    Zack Knutsen Year ago

    korhal shall rise again lol

  • Christian Erazo
    Christian Erazo Year ago

    if he's meant to be l33t, why is he playing on a laptop instead of on a real pc plugged in to the tv on his living room? is so your audience doesnt get confused and think he's playing a console? its 2017, pc users know you can plug a pc to the tv.
    Hell, even if he doesnt has a decent pc, there's still wireless keyboards and mouse, so he could still play from the couch.

  • jhon doe
    jhon doe Year ago

    how about going for a jog while your console updates fat buddy?

  • F C
    F C Year ago +1

    Poor StarCraft, lost the Warhammer license and had to come up with something that didn't infringe GamesWorkshop copyrights

  • parky004
    parky004 Year ago

    If i remember correctly only the worker units were black.

    RANDOM MAY Year ago


  • Razar Campbell
    Razar Campbell 2 years ago

    Man, those last 3 lines of dialogue cracked me up!!
    This show is my perfect ideal (in the Socratic/ Platonic sense of ideals/ absolute ideals...) of bite-sized comedy that'll get you laughing again, even if it's otherwise the worst day of your life.
    I enjoyed it so much, that I wasn't even bothered by the disparaging comment they made about Australians, based on (common) misconceptions about Australia's dynamic societal evolution.

  • Alex Friedman
    Alex Friedman 2 years ago

    you mean starcraft 2 ....... StarCraft 1 was Awesoome plot and none of this bullshit

  • agentCDE
    agentCDE 2 years ago

    So... if the Terrans are Space Australians, does that make the Zerg Space Dropbears?

  • Felicity Field
    Felicity Field 2 years ago

    There are 666 comments. So weird

  • Ben Goza
    Ben Goza 2 years ago

    Hahaha he wants to hang out with Terrence

  • Callsign-YukiMizuki
    Callsign-YukiMizuki 2 years ago

    Why the plot of Starcraft (as a series) is insane is the fact it went from "this is really dark with somewhat complicated politics and ideals" to "dis guy bad plz kill him" to "Twilight of the Gods is chapter 7 of Eternity's End. It was the battle in which the Horde, the Alliance, and the Sentinels joined forces to defeat the armies of the Burning Legion and the Undead Scourge. This final battle is known in lore as the Battle of Mount Hyjal."

  • Lillian Swaim
    Lillian Swaim 2 years ago

    They are soo cute together!

  • Clockworklemon
    Clockworklemon 2 years ago

    "space australians"

  • An3
    An3 2 years ago

    Yep, totally, except it's not racism... it's class warfare sold as racism because ppl love slapping race on everything. Factor in the fact that prisons are increasingly privatized and the inmates take "jobs" where they get paid like 15 cents an hour to make Victoria's Secret panties that go for 30$ a pair. That absolutely sounds like racism, but it's actually class warfare. The poor stay poor. You're racist for bringing race into it. Stop that "equally progressive white guys from cracked." now pay me.

  • Liam Zhang
    Liam Zhang 2 years ago

    Australians are brutal convicts.
    I laughed.

  • CyberChrist
    CyberChrist 2 years ago

    "Protoss My Salad".

  • PlayerTw0
    PlayerTw0 2 years ago

    thinking space australia like 2 seconds before he said it

  • Sciver Zero
    Sciver Zero 2 years ago

    People in prison get wages too actually. Hell, they can even spend it on console games. Probably not in maxi, but certainly in min.

  • Chucky Hagelo
    Chucky Hagelo 2 years ago

    For the record, yes, the prison- industrial complex is the institutional direct descendant of American slavery. It is responsible for unpaid or egregiously underpaid labor throughout the country, ranging from manufacturing to baked goods, and the vast majority of the public have absolutely no idea just how much of the domestic workforce has been replaced by corporate prison labor. You can be eating pound cake baked my prisoners right now while your infant plays with her prisoner- manufactured teddy bear. It gets worse; one of the biggest lobbying points for potentially unconstitutional prison labor is that it's one of the few ways the USA can continue to compete with international rivals who oftentimes employ sweatshops, minors, and full- on undisputed slaves to do their work, which is a hell of a lot like the excuses used for the original practice of American slavery. But wait, wasn't American slavery specific to Africans and their children, unlike prison labor? Yes, it was, along with additional labor forces made up of -- you guessed it -- prisoners, not to mention foreign and Native American POW's, underpaid immigrants, and minors. But now that you mention it, modern prison populations do share a striking commonality with antebellum slavery in terms of demographics, since black men alone account for about 40% of the total male prison and jail population. Followed by white men, which gives me hope that one day, poor and exploited white people can finally ally themselves with poor and exploited black people to pursue economic and social justice together against their common enemies, corporate plutocratic elitists who are so terrified of such a scenario that they want to build more prisons than ever before and make up new reasons to arrest people just so they can feel safe from their modern slaves. BTW, hilarious episode lol

  • Chucky Hagelo
    Chucky Hagelo 2 years ago

    1:01 LMAO

  • Grizabeebles
    Grizabeebles 2 years ago +2

    "I seem to be playing as a voice in the sky who can tell my men to do whatever I want for no pay."
    --I have discovered my new "raison dêtre".

  • Unfortunate Snort
    Unfortunate Snort 2 years ago

    I'm not even a serious PC gamer, and even I was triggered by that vintage resolution.

  • leion800
    leion800 2 years ago

    aaaand I'm making a response to this... far to many inaccuracies

  • Jerry Richburg
    Jerry Richburg 2 years ago

    I remember showing my sister in law how to play starcraft. I knew comand and conquer.

  • Jerry Richburg
    Jerry Richburg 2 years ago

    I remember showing my sister in law how to play starcraft. I knew comand and conquer.

  • Jerry Richburg
    Jerry Richburg 2 years ago

    I remember showing my sister in law how to play starcraft. I knew comand and conquer.

  • keenumman1
    keenumman1 2 years ago

    still not as badass as 40k space marines. PURGE THE HERETICS

  • Wirr Ling
    Wirr Ling 2 years ago


  • Michael Hixson
    Michael Hixson 2 years ago

    Starcraft is starcraft. If it all made sense then we probably wouldn't play it anyways

  • catshadowdragon
    catshadowdragon 2 years ago

    But the manual DOES explain why they sent all those enhanced convicts into space though. And it involves greedy corporations claiming planet ownership rights.

  • morganmc32
    morganmc32 2 years ago

    Love these guys!

  • ContradictionDecepti
    ContradictionDecepti 2 years ago

    Go fuck yourself "Space Australia"

  • motoX
    motoX 2 years ago


  • Benevolens Psittacorum
    Benevolens Psittacorum 2 years ago +2

    Michael Faraday would be an "untrained scientist". Faraday's Laws of electromagnetic induction (and electrochemistry also) for the win of autodidacts.

    JOSHUA LARA 2 years ago

    Is the opening music from something or is there a full version? It just sounds pretty good

  • Elijah Bailey
    Elijah Bailey 2 years ago

    I love how cracked's discussions are always so meta.

  • Comicsluvr
    Comicsluvr 2 years ago +1

    I never get tired of this series lol! Long-time SC player here so this one was very close to home

  • Tyler
    Tyler 2 years ago

    Terrence finally got his cast off?! lmao

  • Harley Gerken
    Harley Gerken 2 years ago

    Find me a better mmorts.

  • Tony Perri
    Tony Perri 2 years ago +1


  • amphitheatre
    amphitheatre 2 years ago

    the wordplay here is aces

  • Elouj Time Reaver
    Elouj Time Reaver 2 years ago

    Sadly they are not enough of the new slavery to be good for America, right now it is just terrible for everyone.

  • badfoody
    badfoody 2 years ago +1

    clones... what. dude come on. they were exiled from Earth by United Earth. The Confederates were formed by the exiles

    • badfoody
      badfoody 2 years ago

      they're not all clones man. they're mostly convicts or recruits @silentlamb21

    • silentlamb21
      silentlamb21 2 years ago +1

      After the long sleep, they had to increase population fast so, for several generations, they heavily made use of fertility and cloning technologies to amp the birth-rate. This was necessary because they were cut off from earth. No further supplies were to be expected from there.

  • I’m Keo
    I’m Keo 2 years ago

    ProtosMySalad lol

  • Enthused Norseman
    Enthused Norseman 2 years ago +2

    I've always loved Starcraft ever since the olden days, and while there are some inaccuracies to this analysis, it's done in the interest of jokes, and honestly none of it detracts from how hilariously over the top and awesome the Starcraft universe is. great gag. :)

  • Levon Gevorgyan
    Levon Gevorgyan 2 years ago

    Clones? Seriously?
    There might actually be NO clones in Star Craft. Hell, even the Protoss don't have clones, even though that might save their dying species.

    • Yatsura2
      Yatsura2 2 years ago +1

      Who gives a fck?

    • silentlamb21
      silentlamb21 2 years ago +1

      directly from a blizzard Q&A:
      Question: How did the Terrans enjoy such rapid population growth and colonization of the Koprulu sector when all they had to work with were four broken-down ships? According to the lore, four ships containing 40,000 humans crash-landed and established three colonies in 2259.The events of StarCraft 1 occur in ~2500.Yet it seems like the Confederacy/Dominion are full empires with many worlds and billions of residents. For instance, Tarsonis had at least two billion. No matter how I figure survival and reproduction rates, I just can't see how it makes sense.
      Answer: This is an excellent question, and one that has been discussed internally for several years. I've always said that these were four crashed colony ships. So while much of their technology was lost, there were certainly means to ensure a foothold on a new, hostile planet - frozen embryos, frozen fertilized eggs, certainly extensive cloning. There were also methods of boosting food production to support explosive population growth. Mmm, tasty nutrient paste! One tablespoon does you for the whole day!
      Because this tech was harnessed by survivors who only had a fraction of their intended equipment, it was lost 50 or so years after planetfall. But that was enough to swell the starting figures quite a bit. Let's suppose those starting figures get us up to 400,000 within 30 years of crashing. (Ambitious, I know, but a civilization that can build massive interstellar ships could certainly create such tech.) We should assume that for the first five or six generations, there was enormous social pressure (if not legal) on all fertile adults to spawn as many offspring as possible. Families of ten or more children. By the third or so generation, infant mortality rates might have risen a bit as the old tech broke down, but they would have dropped again as the colonists rebuilt their technological infrastructure. Now the numbers start to make sense.

  • David Allen
    David Allen 2 years ago +1

    well im gonna go for a jog, you wanna join? Yes definitely, cya later

  • D Enhanced
    D Enhanced 2 years ago +9

    Need more Escort Mission please!

  • czdaniel1
    czdaniel1 2 years ago

    I like when Swain shows off his voice-acting range. While his southern-don't-give-a-shit tone here is kinda toned down, his 1920's Pimp and Shakespeare's are over the top unique web-entertainment

  • JeffRB
    JeffRB 2 years ago

    ever going g to make another escort mission come on

  • Effin Cook
    Effin Cook 2 years ago


  • Alejandro
    Alejandro 2 years ago

    "The prison population is the new slave" oh cracked. You claim to know so much history....

  • Comicsluvr
    Comicsluvr 2 years ago

    I love this series. Looking at the two extremes of anything can be very enlightening...

  • kinghippohappy
    kinghippohappy 2 years ago +1

    I miss this series...

  • Cade Mako
    Cade Mako 2 years ago

    star craft just became racist too me.....

  • mrgabest
    mrgabest 3 years ago +3

    Starcraft is Warhammer 40k for minors.

  • HUNK
    HUNK 3 years ago

    Booo! Not enough gay tension.

  • Liam Quinlisk
    Liam Quinlisk 3 years ago +1

    My theory on how they got all their technology was that they used the insane scientists and other genius convicts to make their guns and stuff because what sane person would make a main infantry weapon that fires gauss rounds on fully automatic? Also they got their supplies by building settlements out of the ship which they skeletonized to make equipment to mine and create concrete and other materials out of whatever habitable planet they decided to stop off at

  • mizarie88
    mizarie88 3 years ago

    This video is awesome, incredibly managed to make going for a jog seem like so much fun. Thanks Mike. Maybe the secret to curing childhood obesity is right here, or maybe not.

  • doopmachine
    doopmachine 3 years ago

    This is stuff you would know if you played through SC1 properly. True and fucking funny.
    Although this title made me think it would be about the stupidity of escort missions in SC. Eh, whatever, I had a chuckle.

  • rinraiden
    rinraiden 3 years ago

    Unrelated, but I'm distracted by the books that were put in the shelf backwards.

  • Twosocks42
    Twosocks42 3 years ago

    "It takes me a month to poop."
    "Me too, but it's because of my diet."
    You went Keto too?

  • userasdf
    userasdf 3 years ago

    Nothing that was said here makes sense... It pretty much is space australia. The earth didn't know if these guys would even survive out here. It was a test. A shot in the dark to see if we could colonize some far away planets. No one would willingly leave everything they know to try to survive on some desolate rock with no hope of ever returning and a huge chance of dying on the way or shortly after they get there. You send people with nothing to lose. Therefore, criminals.

  • Krahog
    Krahog 3 years ago

    I need a Starcraft sage here: a couple decades have passed, since the convict ship started colonizing, right? They didn't really HAVE weapons, especially armored vehicles, but they developed the infrastructure, right?

  • Gorak7
    Gorak7 3 years ago

    It totally is.

  • Enoch
    Enoch 3 years ago

    So forced....

  • Alba Spire
    Alba Spire 3 years ago

    Space Australia. I was expecting that, and yet :)

  • Camille Banez
    Camille Banez 3 years ago

    "My head's so far away from my ass it takes me a MONTH to poop out food." XD ohmygod. I can't even. My sides!

  • Jacob Melanson
    Jacob Melanson 3 years ago

    You should force these guys to live together. Just record them all the time, like the truman show.

  • Michael Bullard
    Michael Bullard 3 years ago

    This one was so short :( was like the snack version of an Escort Mission. Thanks for the vid, they're always a fun watch

  • BloodManticore24
    BloodManticore24 3 years ago

    Of all the things you could mention on the plot how on earth was the Terran's origin the most fucked up thing on StarCraft?, like say, The Xel'Naga, or the Zerg origins, or the Protoss Devotion to their weird and ancient religion, or the Overmind creation, or the civil war of the Terrans, etc

  • Jacob Pehl
    Jacob Pehl 3 years ago

    You realize SCV stands for Sons of Confederate Veterans right? And they're black. And the service vehicles serving the white masters. Great. Another game ruined by racism.

  • chicityman1
    chicityman1 3 years ago

    The prison population is the "legal" new slavery there is a clause in one of the laws that actually allow prison to be basically slavery.

  • Cam M
    Cam M 3 years ago

    Space Australian's
    Kinda explains Emperor Menghisk refugee policy in Wings of Liberty amirite?!
    Haha... Topical

  • Joshua Tufvesson
    Joshua Tufvesson 3 years ago

    oh escort missions, forever making me re-evaluate my favorite pass time.

  • Jackson Ploeg
    Jackson Ploeg 3 years ago

    lel, protosmysalad

  • svgamevidsmk2
    svgamevidsmk2 3 years ago

    So many interesting things to talk about with Starcraft and here you come and just make shit up

  • Jim McPhearson
    Jim McPhearson 3 years ago

    Wow, you guys know little to nothing whatsoever about StarCraft. Units being clones? That's never once mentioned. The manual even says that we didn't send convicts out with tanks and good tech. It was a move by earth's government (UED) to get rid of the surplus population. There were four "super carriers" in all. Three managed to sustain the people on board when they landed. They became the Confederacy, the Kel-Morian Combine, and the Umojan Protectorate. They humans (known as terrans) developed their own technology, none of which was actually from earth. They waged war on one another for a number of years until the Confederacy encountered the zerg and protoss.
    All that is drawn from an old strategy guide for StarCraft. All you had to do was read a single page, but you couldn't even handle that. Congratulations, Cracked.

  • CasualLoLAddict
    CasualLoLAddict 3 years ago

    Classic Starcraft! Very nice choice! You should do Warcraft III next!

  • duscha55
    duscha55 3 years ago

    3:28 Who uses the scrollwheel in Starcraft?

  • Dontae Duggins Trippett

    I love the escort video's please make more

  • AllTerrain Guy
    AllTerrain Guy 3 years ago

    starcraft is the shit, more starcraft vids!

  • Cpl Crawfish
    Cpl Crawfish 3 years ago

    Zorgs, Protons, and Terrence. The three warring factions of the Starcraft universe.