4 Habits of ALL Successful Relationships | Dr. Andrea & Jonathan Taylor-Cummings | TEDxSquareMile

  • Published on Jun 21, 2019
  • ALL relationships face a similar set of hurdles. We all need to be equipped to get over the hurdles, so that our relationships don’t just survive, but thrive. Based on over 20+ years’ experience of working with countless couples, Dr. Andrea & Jon Taylor-Cummings share their observations of the 4 fundamental habits that all successful relationships exhibit. Dr Andrea & Jon Taylor-Cummings are co-founders of Soulmates Academy - an organisation on a mission to reduce relationship and family breakdown across the globe, by proactively educating people to develop strong relationship capability. As a key part of this vision for social change, they help organisations equip people to build healthy relationships at home so they can perform better at work, improve wellbeing and mental health, and achieve better work-life balance. As City professionals and entrepreneurs themselves, over the last 20+ years, Andrea & Jon have leveraged their first-hand experience of the inevitable relationship challenges of high-stress careers to help countless couples strengthen communication and relationship skills, overcome challenges and improve happiness. Andrea & Jon are recognised authorities on the subject of couple relationships and marriage, with numerous public speaking engagements and several TV and Radio appearances in the UK. Their book is due out soon. This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at www.ted.com/tedx

Comments • 348

  • Shaliah Thierry
    Shaliah Thierry 4 days ago

    Instead of saying "Be careful, not crushing," I think you should say "Be careful, not COMBATIVE." I'm not sure the word 'crushing' is used much in everyday spoken language.

  • Whit W.
    Whit W. 6 days ago

    I watched this expecting to fail at them. I'm not perfect, but my love and I are year 2 of a long distance relationship and we have to communicate to make it work. And trust. And I can think of instances where we have both used these tips without knowing about it
    Nice to know we are hopefully on the right path. My biggest issue is asking and not assuming. Thanks for this :). You two are wonderful

  • Alexander Medina
    Alexander Medina 7 days ago

    One of the most amazing video I’ve seen so far!

  • Crissy samuels
    Crissy samuels 10 days ago

    That women sounds like a Jamaican.

  • Nikita niks
    Nikita niks 14 days ago +1

    Very useful

  • Pouwè Essodjolo Florentin BODJONA

    What a great talk !
    It was really enlightening.
    And personnally, i found that Dr Andrea and Jonathan really reflect what they are sharing.
    Thank you for this talk

  • Shawn O'Malley
    Shawn O'Malley 22 days ago +1

    Great example of assumptions from past experiences "What planet are your from???" Loved it

  • Christopher Thorne
    Christopher Thorne 23 days ago

    As insightful this talk might seem, it was very ambiguous; vague. Very hard to apply these habits

    • Jonathan TC Soulmates Academy
      Jonathan TC Soulmates Academy 21 day ago

      Totally agreed, Christopher Thorne! The talk tells you WHAT you need to do. 16:43 is way too short to communicate HOW. Head over to our website at The4habits dot com for various practical HOW TO options...

  • Ethar Salman
    Ethar Salman 25 days ago +1

    That's the most beautiful tedtalk I've ever watched, I learned so much about relationships.

    • Jonathan TC Soulmates Academy
      Jonathan TC Soulmates Academy 21 day ago

      Awww... bless you, Ethar Salman.🙏🏾 We’re so touch by how many people it’s resonating with.💞 Please do share do more can benefit.

  • Jessica Pineda
    Jessica Pineda 25 days ago +1

    3:50 wow

  • classiccarz
    classiccarz 26 days ago

    Whenever she says "Rachel" it sounds like Racial lol

  • Baba Gribble
    Baba Gribble 26 days ago

    Our new social expectations are pie in the sky ideals which are pushed my mainstream media. Traditional beliefs will come back in a big way.

  • Jillian Kowalchuk
    Jillian Kowalchuk Month ago +1

    Congratulations again to my fellow TEDx SquareMile speakers, truly an inspiration to watch and know how genuine your love and strength of relationship is in person.

    • Jonathan TC Soulmates Academy
      Jonathan TC Soulmates Academy 27 days ago

      Aww, bless you Jillian Kowalchuk! It was such an inspirational day. Real privilege to meet and speak alongside all you guys.

  • Janet Hill
    Janet Hill Month ago +26

    My husband and I have been together for 10 years and without knowing it, we put ALL these guidelines into our marriage. We talk about our values, we put each other first, we pull closer to each other in hard times and cherish the good times. My Alun is my best friend and I'm so crazy in love with him xx

    • Jonathan TC Soulmates Academy
      Jonathan TC Soulmates Academy 27 days ago

      Awesome, Janet Hill ! You guys appear to have landed on your feet. Would love to know, did you have great parental role models or learn some other way? Either way, keep up the excellent work.

  • Rajat Khitoliya
    Rajat Khitoliya Month ago +4

    4 Rules to follow for a successful relationship here.
    I believe, whatever the rules are, both should follow the same set of rules, could anyhow be automatically comfortable & understanding for the other person.

  • Jennifer
    Jennifer Month ago +3

    Thought provoking and deeply inspiring!

    • Jonathan TC Soulmates Academy
      Jonathan TC Soulmates Academy Month ago +1

      Many thanks Jennifer! Glad to hear the habits resonating so strongly. If you’d like some tips on converting the head knowledge into practice, check out various resources on our SoulMates Academy site. All the best in your relationships...

  • Françoise
    Françoise Month ago +1

    Loved this

  • Andrew Colvin
    Andrew Colvin Month ago

    And let me guess, these two are divorced now? Haha

    • Jonathan TC Soulmates Academy
      Jonathan TC Soulmates Academy Month ago +14

      Thankfully not Andrew Colvin! This month we celebrate 30 years since we first met & started dating, and 26 years of married life! :)

  • Frank Moebius
    Frank Moebius Month ago

    Dr. Andrea & Jonathan Taylor, do you do any courses or do you give help for people like my? I need at the moment more as then just help....my life sucks and that is not just now landing at the ground! pls give me any ideas what I can do. my situation is, my wife cick me out of home, no friends, no other helps. just for you info my health is not good since 20 years (burnout). Frank

  • Adianez Hernandez
    Adianez Hernandez Month ago +1

    It take 2 to tango unfortunately.

    • Jonathan TC Soulmates Academy
      Jonathan TC Soulmates Academy Month ago +1

      100% Adianez Hernandez. And the problems generally come when one person believes the fault is entirely the others person’s fault. :(

  • eckha
    eckha Month ago

    I think this guy is cuck and his wife gets side D and hes fine with it.....look how hes submissive and the female assertive😆

  • Vânia Fernandes
    Vânia Fernandes Month ago +2


  • Regina Turner
    Regina Turner Month ago +1

    Have you found that these work in virtually all households? How much do other aspects affect the outcome? For example, my spouse and I have 2 small children, and he is 10 years younger than me. It’s certainly more difficult than my first marriage, but also we are both far more determined to make this work. Just curious if the odds are against against (I am guessing so, but it won’t keep me from making it work)

    • Regina Turner
      Regina Turner Month ago +1

      Jonathan TC Soulmates Academy That’s great to know! Thanks Jon! I will definitely check it out!

    • Jonathan TC Soulmates Academy
      Jonathan TC Soulmates Academy Month ago +2

      Regina Turner, Happy to report we have found the principles apply universally. Of course, each particular set of circumstances will require a tweaked response, but practicing the habits fully will bring a whole new level of understanding and openness in your relationship. Check out some of the resources on our SoulMates Academy site for further details. All the best, Jon

  • lady bugz
    lady bugz Month ago +3

    It be great to bring this into the work environments

  • Asmr Ukix
    Asmr Ukix Month ago


  • Avoca29
    Avoca29 Month ago +3

    Bless you two

  • Closeup wholesale
    Closeup wholesale Month ago +8

    If you are already interested and agree that relationship takes work,
    You can start watching the main idea of this video at 8.45m
    Big appaules to the creator ♡

    • Jonathan TC Soulmates Academy
      Jonathan TC Soulmates Academy 15 days ago

      Hi Closeup wholesale , feel free to reach out through the contact us section on our SoulMates Academy website.

    • Closeup wholesale
      Closeup wholesale 24 days ago

      @Jonathan TC Soulmates Academy hi Jonathan, I Watched the video over and over trying to grasping as much as I could. Would it be possible to connect with you over the email for some tips or knowledge on our situation? :)
      Sorry if this is too aggressive request dear.

    • Jonathan TC Soulmates Academy
      Jonathan TC Soulmates Academy Month ago +1

      Thanks Closeup wholesale ! We clearly had to pitch the talk for ALL, but as you rightly point out, the main teaching comes in the second half. It still surprises us though how many people think their challenges are unique...

  • Priya Srivastava
    Priya Srivastava Month ago +4

    I am so glad I saw this, before I become that Rachel. Thankyou @tedx

    • Jonathan TC Soulmates Academy
      Jonathan TC Soulmates Academy Month ago +1

      I'll echo that, @Priya Srivastava! Thankfully more and more people are beginning to recognise the impact our emotional health can have on our mental health. We've got a handful of resources on our Soulmates Academy site if you'd like to find out more about how to actually develop the habits which of course we couldn't cover in the 15 mins on TEDx. All the best...

  • Hassler Osorto
    Hassler Osorto Month ago

    What does it says about US, that we are watching these kind of videos?

    • Whit W.
      Whit W. 6 days ago

      That we are wanting to learn and grow and fix these issues. That we acknowledge there are issues

    • Cindy Stapleton
      Cindy Stapleton Month ago +2

      ...that we have done a poor job on relationship and mental health education, I'd say. So many are struggling.

  • B May
    B May 2 months ago +25

    Communication. That's it. That's the only thing everyone needs to do to have good/great relationships, assuming you have a certain level of compatibility of course. My wife and I have the best relationship there is and much of that has to do with the fact that we tell each other EVERYTHING. We never ever lie (not even about tiny things), we never fight (not the same as never arguing), and we have a rule that we always assume the other is acting out of helpfulness and love. It is utterly impossible to have a good relationship of any real depth without communicating well. Communication requires vulnerability, which I think is a big reason why many people aren't great at it.

    • B May
      B May 2 months ago +1

      @Jonathan TC Soulmates Academy Thanks! Yeah, we have one of those one in a million relationships; we've been together 6 years and miss each other every day before we come home. Few couples have this thought: we both have felt that we'd rather die before the other person, just so we wouldn't have to be without the other, and we consider this a selfish thing. Anyway, yes, communication is the most important thing in all relationships, and you're right, the stuff mentioned in this video is essentially stating that, just with specifics. It's sad that people just assume that fights are a part of all relationships, but they're not, they're evidence of a breakdown in communication.

    • Jonathan TC Soulmates Academy
      Jonathan TC Soulmates Academy 2 months ago +1

      Couldn't agree more @B May... at the end of the day, the 4 Habits do each help couples improve the way they communicate 1) when expectations are unmet, 2) in conflict situations, 3) when they don't see eye to eye on important matters, and 4) in the face of different emotional needs. Sounds like you guys have it all together! Keep shining.

  • small timber
    small timber 2 months ago +1

    suh Rachel did really ago kill herself over Steve a joke yah mek

    • Jonathan TC Soulmates Academy
      Jonathan TC Soulmates Academy 2 months ago +1

      Sadly not, @small timber. It's quite shocking the depths people can sink to when they can't see a way out of what looks like a desperate situation to them. Thankfully she's alive, well and happy today. Thanks for commenting though.

  • monica webster
    monica webster 2 months ago +3

    *romantic relationships are not the only kind of relationship. there are all kinds. the common* *denominator of successful relationships are trust, respect and loyalty.*

    • Jonathan TC Soulmates Academy
      Jonathan TC Soulmates Academy 2 months ago +1

      Fair to say romantic relationships are not the only kind, @monica Webster, although for most people personal relationship are generally their most important. That said, in our experience, having also worked with parent-child and work colleague relationships, we've found the 4 habits apply equally well there. I'd agree that trust, respect and loyalty are common characteristics of successful relationships - in our experience we've found practicing the 4 habits helps people build each of those.

  • Spice C Divorce Party Planner Show

    Would love to interview you on our show

  • Felicia Ogedengbe
    Felicia Ogedengbe 2 months ago +2

    I needed to hear this! Thank you xx

    • Jonathan TC Soulmates Academy
      Jonathan TC Soulmates Academy 2 months ago

      Glad it landed well with you, Felicia. We have a number of resources that can help you go deeper in developing the habits on our Soulmates Academy website. All the best...

  • SwiftSilentDeadly23
    SwiftSilentDeadly23 2 months ago +2

    Dr. John Gottman has done decades of research on this.

  • Bonz Wellness
    Bonz Wellness 2 months ago +172

    Did y'all hear her whisper "mental health" to help him get back on track? That's a partnership! And the way they look at each other while they speak is kinda beautiful.

  • Antwi Dominic
    Antwi Dominic 2 months ago +2

    There should be no reason to chose a partner than someone who fear God and practice what is written in the law, You can never keep a man who doesn’t fear God (carnally minded) home, and vice versa. whiles dating, find out if his actions are in sink with Scriptures , that’s the acid text

  • Janelle Allen
    Janelle Allen 2 months ago +1

    Awesome delivery..😎😍

  • Janelle Allen
    Janelle Allen 2 months ago +3

    Saving life/love/family

  • Janelle Allen
    Janelle Allen 2 months ago

    Keep the home 🔥☕ burning 🔥❄️...

  • Janelle Allen
    Janelle Allen 2 months ago

    You know he/she the one...

  • Janelle Allen
    Janelle Allen 2 months ago

    *Couple therapy

  • Janelle Allen
    Janelle Allen 2 months ago

    Set rule's to this*ish... issues.. let's work it out!!!

  • Janelle Allen
    Janelle Allen 2 months ago

    You do you and ammma do me...(fight or flights) mentally over and over

  • Janelle Allen
    Janelle Allen 2 months ago

    You know you love him... people...

  • Janelle Allen
    Janelle Allen 2 months ago

    Trust and Respect experience and the cure is ?

  • Janelle Allen
    Janelle Allen 2 months ago +1

    Quality relationships is what is killing us...why do I agree ?

  • cch Nielsen
    cch Nielsen 2 months ago

    Thanks ♥

  • fruitofthespirit galatians522kiyee

    How many times has someone 'Walked into that bus'? Thank you!!!

    • Jonathan TC Soulmates Academy
      Jonathan TC Soulmates Academy Month ago

      I hate to think of that fruitofthespirit galatians522kiyee . We’re just so glad that Rachel & Steve are doing so well these days. The more we can help, the better...🙏🏾

  • Maria Gandarilla
    Maria Gandarilla 2 months ago


    Please help

    With anything any amount

  • Clark Kent
    Clark Kent 2 months ago


  • Regina Perry
    Regina Perry 2 months ago +2

    Wow this was such good information! When you mentioned about your friend towards the end I lost it and I don’t even know her. That pulled on my heart so bad sheesh. Perhaps it’s because I feel my friend is/was feeling similar.

    • Jonathan TC Soulmates Academy
      Jonathan TC Soulmates Academy Month ago +1

      So sorry to hear of your losses. It breaks our hearts every time we hear of another long-term couple break up... let alone go to this extreme. Do help us get the word out. A bit of education can make such a difference...

    • Regina Perry
      Regina Perry Month ago

      Nerissa Kueny wow sorry to hear that! Extremely sad that people go through that.

    • Nerissa Kueny
      Nerissa Kueny Month ago

      Its usually males who follow through with suicide. I cried because i have lost FOUR friends, two of them best friends. ALL of them over relationships and one had some to do with money but im sure if he still had his partner he wouldnt have felt that bad about it. Its horrible because my friendship wasnt enough for them because they just wanted THEIR person. Which i totally understand. All i want is my boyfriend, back in his arms again. No one else compairs

  • Latrina Proctor-Jones
    Latrina Proctor-Jones 2 months ago +3

    Thank you for this share... Very informative, if I had seen this sooner it could have helped me and my soulmate.

    • Jonathan TC Soulmates Academy
      Jonathan TC Soulmates Academy 2 months ago +1

      Thanks for commenting. Sorry we're too late to help. Suggest still worth learning the detail of the habits a) if worth trying again with your soulmate, or b) to help with future relationships. Check out some FREE resources on Soulmates Academy website. All the best...

  • Keita Foxy
    Keita Foxy 2 months ago +14

    Perhaps I should go to business school to meet my mister since I don’t know any men who take the time to think and analyse at this level.

    • Keita Foxy
      Keita Foxy Month ago

      Joe c thanks Joe. That’s really good advice, I’m a believer myself and I agree with you. I’m yet to come across men who are dynamic, in addition to being (practicing) men of faith. Nonetheless, thanks for the well wishes 🙏

    • Joe c
      Joe c 2 months ago +1

      I would suggest meeting someone who is religious. Just my opinion. Bible studies, or volunteering in a church is a great way. Different volunteering groups is another way if you're not religious. Oftentimes people say if you become who you desire to be, you will meet the person you want to be with. They also say when you quit looking is usually when the person shows up. In any event wishing you all the best!

    • Jonathan TC Soulmates Academy
      Jonathan TC Soulmates Academy 2 months ago +1

      Lol @Keita Foxy! Good luck...

  • AmandaAlcodia IG
    AmandaAlcodia IG 2 months ago +15

    This is a POWER couple!! Right?!

  • Jamile Torres
    Jamile Torres 2 months ago

    Get to the point, A,B,C, to much talking🙄

  • Muhammad Talha
    Muhammad Talha 2 months ago +21

    Good relationship is a characteristic of a good happy life. That was the answer found by the longest (75 years) study done at Harvard on happiness. A Ted Talk on that is available. Type:
    'What makes a good life? The longest study on happiness'. Presented by Robert Waldinger (he's not really active but present on Twitter: @robertwaldinger)
    4 tips of this talk are:
    1) Be curious, not critical
    2) Be careful, not crushing
    3) Ask, don't assume
    4) Connect, not correct
    Anyone reading this best of luck in doing hard and smart work coupled with tendency to put ideas into action and in living a compassionate life!

  • S S
    S S 2 months ago +366

    I wish more adults would spend time watching things like this instead of scrolling around on social media.its never too late to grow and learn together.

    • Serena Quaye
      Serena Quaye Month ago

      @Rajat Khitoliya You guys are right. I shouldn't assumed, however, a lot of studies have shown men tend to move from relationship to relationship without doing the work to heal or evaluate what went wrong in their previous connection. Another reason most men go back to their exes multiple times is because they like the feeling they get from the interaction. Not necessarily the woman per se, rather how she makes them feel. EX: maybe the man can get away with talkin to tht woman anyhow or has some control over her. Well, if this is the case, than this man is likely to keep returnin to tht relationship even thou he knows its unhealthy. Most men would rather go back to the same messed up relationship than do the work to grow from within because tht relationship make them feel powerful. Also, most relationships, dating classes are attended by more women than men. I find even in most failing marriages or relationships nine times out of ten its usually the woman pushing for a marriage counselor or get some outside help to help fix the issues. For some reason, some men have hard time admitting when they need help. I get it. May be a masculine thing, however, most relationships could improve if most men are wiling to seek help from time to time in inasmuch as their counterpart. Maybe the task for women is to provide this judgement free environment for their partners to do so

    • Rajat Khitoliya
      Rajat Khitoliya Month ago +1

      @Lisa Quaye please ask before assuming ! You're judging men :/

    • Justin Coats
      Justin Coats Month ago +1

      @Lisa Quaye Men handle things different than women but I disagree with you. It's 50/50. It's like saying, "Satan mostly tempts men to sin."
      Men are incarcerated 11 to 1 to women. This seems to prove you right but women just do other things to make life difficult. Dr. Phil, "No matter how flat you smash a pancake, there are still two sides." Yes, he does this that drives you crazy but I bet you do things or withhold things that drive him crazy.
      Really best wishes, my relationship has been so extreme: happy, sad, rewarding, frustrating. I've never gave anything so much effort and been confused at her response. It's a work in progress. Truly best wishes.

    • J Lau
      J Lau Month ago


  • Marina Ketelslegers
    Marina Ketelslegers 2 months ago +17

    omg look how they listen to each other

  • Yan L
    Yan L 2 months ago +4

    If you figure out your routines how to connect, everything else will fall into places.