The Machine - Bert Kreischer: THE MACHINE

  • Published on Dec 28, 2016
  • This is the story about the time I robbed a train in Russia with the Russian Mafia.
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  • Film & AnimationFilm & Animation

Comments • 11 274

  • Thewigon sees you

    Sounds kinda like John cena if you close your eyes

  • Dino Puppet
    Dino Puppet 5 hours ago

    Fuck it I'm the machine

  • dimitar gondolqn
    dimitar gondolqn 6 hours ago

    actually mafia in russia is called mafia

  • HopeHasNoPlaceHere AbandonAllYeWhoEnter

    That liberal arts confidence🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

  • Astronut Music
    Astronut Music 22 hours ago

    Forget all the florida man headlines. this wasnt in florida and it tops all of them

  • Anthony Bartoletti
    Anthony Bartoletti 23 hours ago

    So I didn't watch the video at all but I still liked it because the first two seconds of it was "When I was 22 I joined the Russian mafia"

  • K. Hendrickson
    K. Hendrickson Day ago


  • TrueMetis
    TrueMetis Day ago

    I'm imagining one of the Igors couch surfing one night and stumbling across this bit.


  • CHarles Vitanza
    CHarles Vitanza Day ago

    Bert Kreischer is Florida Man!

  • Carlo Gambino
    Carlo Gambino Day ago

    A real OG this guy xaxaxaxa 😂😂😂

  • Doctor Diamond
    Doctor Diamond 2 days ago +1

    God I Fucking Love This

  • Heather Morton
    Heather Morton 2 days ago


  • Silent Thunder
    Silent Thunder 2 days ago

    Tottaly happened.

  • DatKxdCSK
    DatKxdCSK 2 days ago

    If I have to hear about this bit one more time I’m gonna start a Holocaust.

  • Mr Chains
    Mr Chains 2 days ago

    Not funny

  • korn666
    korn666 2 days ago

    lol, every time i watch this by bert i laugh out loud, i hope they make a movie of this story. would be cool.

  • Murphy's Law
    Murphy's Law 2 days ago

    He should not have said that story

  • Emptyeauation 16
    Emptyeauation 16 3 days ago

    this guy seems really fat n racist

  • Kirill Kuznetsov
    Kirill Kuznetsov 3 days ago

    Should say: "Ya terminator!" (I'm the terminator) or "Mne vsyo pohui!" (I don't give a shit!) instead. Free Russian lesson for you.

  • Sandrya Silva
    Sandrya Silva 3 days ago

    Seen 100th time, still watch again today and still laughing

  • Karl Gerber
    Karl Gerber 3 days ago

    This sketch is funny. If you like it maybe you should try this:

  • Thien Bui
    Thien Bui 3 days ago

    When you get robbed by the people who were supposed to protect you

    • Danzan Sandeev
      Danzan Sandeev Day ago

      if you are talking bout gangsters... they are gangster what do you expect)
      if you are talking bout policeman... unfortunatly that's what happen when your country break down and change political course. this time in russia is known as "wild 90s"

  • Thien Bui
    Thien Bui 4 days ago

    I wanna see an animation of this

  • Shane Wilder
    Shane Wilder 4 days ago

    I can watch this all day i love the egor spins the cop around lololololo

  • CMP
    CMP 4 days ago +1

    2:41 when my friends told me they we're going on vacation

  • Ellen Ezell
    Ellen Ezell 4 days ago +2

    I watch this every time I’m sad, this makes me laugh to the point of tears EVERY. TIME.

  • Swisside
    Swisside 4 days ago

    Ай Лайкт лис видио

  • Tore Johnson
    Tore Johnson 4 days ago

    This goof is such a liar.

  • MedicMaster049
    MedicMaster049 4 days ago

    Is this real? Did a copy actually go "No. Fuck that bitch, this is Russia."? I so want this to be real.

  • The Shinjen
    The Shinjen 4 days ago

    I thought what he meant about mafia is about joining and being a SLAV!!😂😂

  • fatjec
    fatjec 4 days ago

    Bert is a fat, bisexual,bottom queer.

  • Live Thicc
    Live Thicc 4 days ago

    This man is deity

    DIVERGENT _ 4 days ago +7

    Vladimir Putin "So I hear you're the machine."

  • Jeffery Six
    Jeffery Six 4 days ago


  • Nick Stoops
    Nick Stoops 5 days ago

    This is fucking sick

  • Kory Pettiford
    Kory Pettiford 5 days ago +3

    Let me know when this movie comes out

  • Kory Pettiford
    Kory Pettiford 5 days ago

    That was a good mf story. And the way you told it was nice

  • Still Haz3
    Still Haz3 5 days ago

    Most intense story. Love it🤟🏻

  • Belle Fougner
    Belle Fougner 5 days ago

    *stanger things enters the chat*

  • Reynaldo Luna Jr.
    Reynaldo Luna Jr. 5 days ago

    Он машина!!!

  • phantom of the void
    phantom of the void 5 days ago

    i accidentally joined the russian mafia

  • GameBoiii Does Reddit

    the russian police are the mafia

  • Farsha 17
    Farsha 17 6 days ago

    Unfunny as fuck

  • SSQUAD #2667
    SSQUAD #2667 6 days ago

    That's How Mafia Works

  • До Би
    До Би 6 days ago +1

    Put a bloody shirt on.... Your Russian is as bad as your BMI.....

  • Jim Thomas
    Jim Thomas 6 days ago


  • Rob F
    Rob F 6 days ago

    Gets better every time I hear it

  • itsmyonly option
    itsmyonly option 6 days ago

    Bert is so overrated. I don't get it. Watched his cooking show where he mentions "Will Smith discovered me". F off.

  • TheWeea Boo!
    TheWeea Boo! 6 days ago

    Okay now I wanna join a mafia and just yell FUCK THAT BITCH THIS RUSSIA

  • 81 moldy
    81 moldy 6 days ago +1

    I really hope this story is real, because it is seriously badass.

    • KajiggaD
      KajiggaD Day ago

      It's true alright, there are some pictures on twitter about it.

  • Grim Reaper2005
    Grim Reaper2005 6 days ago

    Im dieing

  • avocado god God
    avocado god God 7 days ago


    I would say I’m gay

  • Shealia Lucxio
    Shealia Lucxio 7 days ago

    Moral of the story; fuck that bitch, this is Russia

  • Jennie Wilson
    Jennie Wilson 7 days ago +3

    “I’m the one doing it hooked on Phonics style.” 🤣🤣🤣

  • O' Levy
    O' Levy 7 days ago


  • water
    water 7 days ago

    I wanna be the machine

  • austin sedivy
    austin sedivy 7 days ago

    Any Russians can you translate the word at 1:10?

    • Tanya Rubinshtein
      Tanya Rubinshtein 5 days ago

      Seems like he said “zdravstvuyte“ which means Hello

  • Ozan Gül
    Ozan Gül 7 days ago

    Fuck that bitch this is Russia 😂

  • Gerald Waters II
    Gerald Waters II 7 days ago

    Ten thousand people don't believe in THE MACHINE!

  • Chad Wilcox
    Chad Wilcox 8 days ago

    Igor and Igor